Today is February 15, 2011, the day after Valentines day. Anyway, I'm single but that doesn't mean I can't celebrate V Day right? I had a little booze with my friends yesterday (Dabor, Mon, Leea, Aiea, Kitel, Lianne & Choly) and it's nice to just chill and not worry about school for the time being, but when I finally went home, school started sinking in to me again and I literally have to drag my feet to school this morning. I woke up at around 8:40 am considering that I have my 9 am class, I was more than late. I checked my phone and I was like "shit. SHIT!" but then my classmate texted me saying "Sorry girls. I can't meet you today - Ms. April Yap" and I went to sleep some more. HAHA!
I arrived at school at around 10 am and I was actually a bit early for Philosophy. It was nerve-racking again for that period because we had grade recitations and our topic is still about the Phenomenology of Love. ACK. I know right. Thank god I wasn't called but I shared some of my thoughts though. At the end of the period our professor returned our phenomenological papers and I was a bit nervous about it actually because Sir Mot-mot said that some of us just told stories and it lacks reflection and didn't treat the situation phenomenologically.
And then my paper came. I was astounded about the result.
"99 - Very Good!" my paper says
I was speechless and a bit proud of myself because of my work. I guess hard work does pays off. So let me share my essay.
*pardon me for some typos and grammatical errors :)) This is the art of cramming :D
The Phenomenology of Letting Go
-Marie Gertrude Leynes
In a man’s life, he experience losses. It may vary differently whether if it’s an object, a pet, an event and even a person in his life. According to Lawrence Wilson, MD, letting go means “Learning to let go of old habits, ideas, people who are not serving your best interests, and much more is not an easy task for anyone. The main reason is one must leave one’s comfort zone or familiar situations, habits and thinking patterns. This is stressful, often in the extreme. Therefore, most people simply do not do it. They make excuse after excuse as to why they should not change, rather than embrace change. This is the main block in most people’s way when it comes to letting go of anything in one’s life.” In this phenomenological paper I will focus on my experience in letting go of an individual and how it is different from the ones I’ve encounter with. Using Marcel’s phenomenological method I will decode a point in my life where I experienced letting go of a loved one.
My very first thought of the term “letting go” would be saying goodbye to a loved one who passed away. Surely, everyone already experienced this. In the 18 years of my life I am already conscious of the things and people that I let go. The first painful experience would be when my grandfather died when I was 8 years old. Years passed and the memory seemed very vague to me but the feeling of what I lost is still there. 8 years passed when my Lola Peng died. She’s not my biological grandmother but my mother’s aunt who was very close to me because she lives across the street and taught me a lot on how to be a proper lady. She personally gave me piano lessons but I stopped during 6th grade so that I would have more time for studying. Nevertheless, I still spent some time with her. During my 4th year in high school her health started deteriorating and eventually got worse. So I was a bit preparing myself that like my grandfather, she too will have to leave soon. It was hard for me to accept the fact that she’s gone. Even though you already expect that it will happen, still your heart mourns over your dead loved one. After some time thinking over the wake, I thought that I have to let go because if she would see me sad, it would also cause her pain to see us mourning. I let go because I know that she would be with God now and all her sufferings are all gone and she’s resting in peace. Still, I have my memories of her that whenever I think about it there would be this tingling sensation inside and my eyes would water and I would have to fight the urge not to cry. Today is February 9, and Lola Peng would be 74 years old by now.
Another experience I had happened a few months ago. My former classmate and friend Philip had a motorcycle accident and died. His death came as a shock that at first I couldn’t believe it. Apparently he was drunk and depressed over his mother’s death which happened a week before he died. Philip is one of those people who I use to hang out with back in grade school and even though he always teases me and has some petty fights he’s a good kid. His sudden death came as a shock for our batch. I wasn’t expecting that someone at that young could die. My heart was broken and miserable for days that when I attended a party I got drunk and just cried calling out his name. It was indeed a very painful loss but I realize that I have to let go, just like I did when my grandfather and Lola Peng died. I accepted the fact that he’s gone now and I won’t be able to see him again and all I can remember is that boy who used to tease me a lot and shared laughing moments together at our school playground. Instead I would have to move on with my life.
It is very frightening at times because I don’t know what life without these people is. When they died, I would not have an answer to this question. But now, given the time that I moved on let go of these people who I love, I could say that life is still moving one. It moves on because I already let go.
But at some point I wonder, how different is letting go of a loved one who died than letting go of a loved one because you merely set him free from any romantic entanglement from you? Sometimes people say that it’s harder and they would prefer letting go of a person who died rather than letting go of a person who walked out on you.
I say this is all part of growing up. Falling in love and then when the relationship doesn’t work out you need to let go of that person because both of you are having difficulties with each other. Nevertheless, not only you freed that person, you also freed yourself of any further emotional stress.
It all started when I was in second year when my classmate started making ‘papansin’ to me. He then started texting me and I won’t deny the fact that he interests me too back then. His name is Romuel and we have known each other since we were five because of our mothers and that I am playmates with his twin sister. We weren’t classmates during my grade school days because we’re from different schools. It was only in high school we became classmates but didn’t acknowledge each other that much at first. Surely we know each other but we have different cliques and so the story goes on. We got acquainted again as young adults and not as kids who are merely playmates. I noticed the attention he’s been giving me but didn’t see at first. After some teasing and random moments where in I would catch him looking at me for no reason, I started wondering if this person likes me. I was quite shocked when he confessed and then started courting me. On the other hand, I became aware that my best friend since kindergarten has a crush on Romuel and started avoiding me for some unknown reason. I was bothered for days until I came to school and found a note lying on the top of my chair that says “Si Tuding lang pwede bumasa nito” (Tuding is one of my pet names in high school). I opened the note and it stated there that “Sooner or later I have to let go, so don’t you worry”. It was from my best friend having a hard time trying to tell me that. Wondering if letting go was that easy, I could’ve completely move on already.
I would be lying if I say I didn’t have any emotional attachment to this guy. I actually loved him. It’s sort of a love-hate relationship between the two of us that went on for four years. Sometimes, I thought it would last but it turns out that I was wrong. Everything just fell apart in the summer of 2010. I guess the distance really got into us because I was here in Manila and he was in UP Los Baños. I also wonder why he gave up on us. Was I being too uptight? Things was a lot easier back in high school which brings me to the question did he love me? Seeing how the relationship ended just like that. He won’t return my texts and answer my calls and being the stubborn and ‘ma-pride’ person as I am, I got tired of waiting for him. So I might as well say goodbye to this person even though it would cause me so much pain, a kind of pain which is different from saying goodbye to a loved one who died.
“The first cut is the deepest” as they say, and this is true. Eventually, you just have to let go, although letting this person go and freeing you from him, will leave scars. Scars that even the slightest sight of it would make you cringe and remind how painful that experience was. After what happened I reflected on what did I do wrong? I gave up finding the answers though before the question starts up consuming me. Some of my friends consider it a terrible loss indeed. My mind was already set to forget everything that had happen between me and Romuel. It’s all a vague memory to me now. Even though my mind had forgotten, my heart is still coping up with all the pressure my head has been giving. I tried preoccupying myself with different activities during that summer like going out with my friends more frequently, engage into sports and read more novelty books. Jogging in the morning also became a routine to think and be alone for some time. I treasure these moments alone because I feel so peaceful and I feel like the negative vibes are going out of my system. It suddenly feels like you’re free from all the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying. After a month, I was smiling again and not faking it. So, can I say I already moved on and let go of this person? At some point, maybe, why? Because we had no proper closure. I think letting go of him would be much easier if we had talked it over but both of us are too stubborn to admit our own mistakes and we ended up being the victims in the end. Sad isn’t it?
For months I thought I have completely moved on, both physical and emotional. But all the hard work I’ve done in thinking that I completely moved on went to waste when I unexpectedly met him again. It was my friend’s 18th birthday last October and I didn’t assume that he would be there. I didn’t know what to say or what to do at the mere sight of him. I actually hated myself after that night because the feelings I thought were gone came rushing back to me, hitting me hard in the face. Then I thought, maybe I just keep saying that I let him go already but in reality I still have feelings for him. Seeing him was hard but seeing in his eyes the longing and regret was even harder. I would look away and keep saying that he walked out on me and is seeing someone as of the moment. It was harder than I thought it would be, like a closed wound that opened up again. I know things would not be as they used to and I really feel like it’s not going to work out between the two of us anymore. My best friend suggested recently that I should talk to Romuel but I told her no, given the scenario of what happened on my friend’s debut, I wouldn’t want to experience that ever again. I was afraid and still I am. It’s better if I don’t see that particular person hopping the thought and image of him would go away, like a loved one who passed away.
I now then analyze this series of events using Marcel’s Phenomenological Method. First I classified letting go as a problem and did not look deeper and tried narrowing the happenings down. I merely reflect on the things that had happened before but after that realizing the difference between in letting go of a person who died and letting go of a person because you are detaching any emotional strings is completely different. It is more difficult to let go when that person is still existing and sometimes even more painful to see than to feel that person. A point in my life where I reflected what has happened to me, how it changed me and just feel the realization of the pain that caused all of this – as Marcel said “it is linked to a personal experience” and this is that experience. I am able to communicate more with myself because I tried to understand what I feel and how I feel about letting go. Writing about this is painful enough to realize how much these events changed me as a person. Sure, these might have caused all the emotional problems I’ve been feeling but reflecting about these made me see how I grew as a person. When my grandfather died, I became more attached to my grandmother and cousins, when Lola Peng died, I became interested again with the piano, though I don’t play it anymore I still enjoy listening to some classical piano music that reminds me of Lola Peng. When Philip died, I realized how life could be short for some of us and that we have to value it because God gave us one life to live and so I remember the song that says “Cause we got, one life to live, one love to give, one chance to keep from falling, one heart to break, one soul to take us not forsake us”. And letting Romuel go made me realize that there is more to life than committing yourself in a relationship that you thought would last. It made me see that I can move and go ahead with my life without these people in my life, whether be dead or alive. It is only the memory that is hurting me but I believe that in the right moment, time could heal me but hey, there are scars that would be there but you wouldn’t even see it because you forget that it’s even there.
